Obsessed with Embellishment

Today was a a beautfiul fall day in Boston!  Clear, crisp weather, blue skies, the temps were in the high 60’s - by far this is my favorite time of year because I can wear my favorite clothes.  Today it was time to break out one of my favorite wool skirts and team it up with a nice turtleneck, kicky boots, a demin jacket, nice leather gloves and I’m all set for work.

As I got off the train at South Station I noticed that most people appeared to agree with me today, because everyone seemed to be wearing their new fall clothes, and for once I was surrounded by good  fashion.  Life was good.   I strode confidently through South Station, marched downstairs to the subway, and nothing could darken my mood - not even the condescending look a woman gave me as I stood next to her on the platform. 

“Whatever biotch, those ratty paisley cords are not exactly happening either” I said to myself, so pleased was I in my fashion superiority.  And then I glanced down at my feet and saw this.

Fortunately I had an extra pair of brown shoes at work.  I really need to get John to install those lights in my closets!

Things have changed in workplace fashion since I entered the work force in 1980. Last week in a company-wide email our CEO noted that since we are a sponsor at big local trade show, and we will be hosting many visitors, she asked that everyone wear business casual to work this week.You’d think she was asking the women to wear corsets, and men to wear spats.  You would not believe the complaining!  Over business casual.  Oh Please.

But this does segue nicely into the latest edition of Fashion Tribes, the Office Edition:

Sports Nut - This is a young guy, on the overweight side, who broadcasts support for his team in any way he can. His wardrobe is almost exclusively Official Team Merchandise. On the few occasions when he is dressed up he wears a $400 Official Team Leather Jacket with a shirt and tie, which makes him look a stadium groundskeeper. Something tells me these are the guys I see on TV who paint their chubby bodies in team colors, and stand half-naked & braying in the stands. If my daughters ever bring home guys like this I will be horrified.

Baby Mama - This as a woman under 35 who is expecting her first baby. For any number of reasons she eschews maternity clothes, so as her pregnancy progresses we are treated to way more boob and belly than we really need to see. In her first two trimesters she sticks with a tight t-shirt smoothed over her popped out belly button and maybe wears stiletto heels with her pregnancy jeans until she can’t take it anymore, and by her last trimester she is so sick of wearing the same three sundresses she adds a shrunken cardigan that she can’t even begin to button.

Endless Summer - This is a woman who will wear flip flops in the office into November if she can. Often combined with Baby Mama. Ladies - the only people who can get away with extending the summer via wardrobe are shorts-wearing UPS guys who do it because it’s locker room contest to see who can hold out the longest. The “No White Shoes After Labor Day” law needs to be amended to include flip flops.

Guilty Quilty - This fashion choice just screams “middle aged female”: a woman in a quilted microfiber jacket in black, beige or red (but oddly never a good red.) She also has a quilted brown-blue-cream Vera Bradley paisley bag AND a faux Pierre Deux quilted bag. Stop the insanity!

Party In My Cube - Female version: clothing that is too tight, too low and too short. Favors stiletto t-straps with crazy patterned stockings. Reeks of clashing scented hair and body products. Male version: clothing that is too tight, too wrinkled, and too faded. Has not worn leather shoes since his prom. His cologne is all that beer from the night before, slowing oxidizing through his pores. Often combined with Sports Nut during playoffs.

The New Mullet - You know this guy: young, smirky, walks down the street holding a lit cigarette that he never really smokes (then why bother?) Always has the newest anything from Apple. Carries a messenger bag slung over the back of his right hip. Wears his hair pressed into a ridge along the top of his head. Dude, in 15 years you will so regret every photo ever taken of you with that hair.

Hipster Doofus - This look is becoming very common in certain industries: shaved head (due to being prematurely bald, that part is ok ), shirt is always worn out, and the lack of hair is made up for with robust facial hair (goatee or soul patch.) I have to be honest here - I can’t tell these guys apart! From 10 feet away you look more alike than Blue Man Group.

The Woman Warrior - Now here I have to turn my wrath on myself. The next time you may be in Boston take a quick look round and count how often within the space of ten minutes you see this uniform on working women: black or brown pants, boots, shirt/turtleneck/t-shirt, denim jacket. Go ahead, count ‘em - you’ll be amazed.  And one of them might be me!

I’ve been taking the commuter rail to work for over 6 years now, and I have to say, the people watching is excellent. One thing I’ve noticed are several common fashion archetypes that turn up again and again and again, season after season. Working in an urban environment and taking public transportation means is that appearance matters because thousands of people will see you. And if you think no one pays attention to how you look - well think again!

So here are my current favorites:

Captain of Industry as Caddy Shack - This is usually a middle aged executive who’s probably a partner in a law firm or he’s a fund manager. Basically, a guy who makes a lot of money. He’s wearing an expensive cashmere coat, carries an expensive Coach briefcase, and on really cold days - he wears a ratty baseball cap. What’s up with that? Why not a nice tweed cap one of those fabulous fur hats that Russians wear? Anything except that greasy and faded Red Sox cap!

Michelin Mom - Every time I see a woman dressed like this I wonder if she ever looks at herself in the mirror. This is generally a woman my age (late 40’s) who is 5 feet 5 inches tall or less (my height), she’s carrying about 25 extra pounds (not me, thankfully), and she is nonetheless wearing a quilted down coat. When the weather is dry she wears running shoes, and in wet weather she wears the adult version of those puffy little kid nylon boots. The only people who should wear quilted down coats are coeds who weight less than 120 lbs. And no one over the age of 7 should wear those puffy nylon boots.

Indiana Jones on the Stoughton Line - This guy is the reverse of the Captain of Industry yet he has the same problem. He might work at a university or he could be in high tech. He’s wearing a Timblerland ski parka with a Fedora. Why oh why do men think this casual/formal dichotomy works? It doesn’t.  His briefcase is somewhere between a messenger bag and a man purse.  The zipper on his parka is embellished with three years worth of tatty lift tickets so he can illustrate in a subtle way just how much money & time he spends on the slopes

Fashion Sherpa - This can be a woman of any age. She is loaded down with more than one bag; often a handbag, a tote bag AND a briefcase! My back hurts just looking at her. Sometimes this look is combined with Michelin Mom, which is just too painful for words. More often than not, the tote is a canvas L.L. Bean boat bag, which looks silly anywhere except on the deck of a boat, on the beach, or in the trunk of a car.

Mr. Beancounter - This is a guy who wears a crumpled and shapeless trenchcoat that looks like it hasn’t been to the cleaners in at least three years.  Often carries an ancient old hard sided leather briefcase.  Wears galoshes.  He works for the State and been taking the commuter rail to work since the 70’s.  He has a pension you would kill for.

Pet Lover - This is a cross-gender look, and for kicks I sometimes try to identify the breed of cat or dog that has deposited several ounces of hair into it’s owners wool coat.

VPN Crackberry - Another cross-gender look; this person is loaded down with technology.  They are soooo busy at work they need a rolling briefcase to schlep a laptop and 100 lbs. of paperwork home everynight. They like to “work” on the train and when they’re not getting their ya-ya’s from an inscrutable 1,000 cell spreadsheet, they multitask with their PDA and listen to iTunes, which are always turned up way too loud.  You’d be surprised how many grown men & women still listen to Eddie Money.  They always have at least one phone conversation per trip, which is always the same, “Hi, it’s me. I’m on the train.”  Really - you and 800 other people.

A final note on accessories. Rolling briefcases belong only in airports. They do not belong on the commuter rail! Aside from the fact that anyone who has one looks like a copier repairman; if your work stuff is that heavy than you need to put your bag on a diet. I don’t believe for a minute that all that stuff is really necessary. And I’m tired of tripping over your bag when you park it in the aisle.

So that’s my take on commuter rail fashion this winter. I feel much better now.